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Things to discuss before marrying into a blended family
Things to discuss before marrying into a blended family This list is not designed to be all-inclusive, but each part it meant to spark a discussion. The way to best use this list is to print out two copies, one for each partner and each one should go over all the points alone and decide how he or she feels about the questions posed--feel free to bring notes! Then the two should come together to discuss their answers, one question at a time, not moving on until both feel good about the conclusion. If it gets heated, both may decide to come back to it at a later date. The agreed upon answer to each question should be written down and signed by both partners. It is highly recommended that there is a third party present (a mutual friend or perhaps the minister) who can help guide the conversation if need be and also to be a witness to the answers. This will help both partners stay accountable to what they agree to. By going through this list thoroughly you should be able to avoid a lot of conflicts that those in blended families face. The list: -- How often will each child stay at the home? -- Will the children have their own rooms and/or space in the home? -- What is the expected routine when the children are at the home? -- What is the routine that children are used to now? -- How will the housework be divided? -- When will children help out with the housework? -- Will the children receive an allowance and how much will it be? -- How often do the children receive gifts and toys? -- How much money is usually spent on birthday and Christmas presents? -- What foods are the children accustomed to eating? -- What manners have the children been taught? -- What manners will the sparent expect the skids to have? -- What roles will the stepparent (sparent) be expected to take on regarding the stepchildren (skids) such as bathing, baby-sitting, etc.? -- What roles regarding the skids are for the bioparent alone? -- What kind of a relationship does the sparent want or expect to have with the skids? -- What will the skids call the sparent ("mom", "dad", sparent's first name, etc.)? -- Describe the children's bedtime routine. Does the bioparent stay in the skids bedroom until they fall asleep? -- Are the children allowed in your bed or bedroom? -- What is the pick-up and drop-off routine? -- How much time will the sparent be expected to be around the spouse's ex? -- If a spouse's ex gets too involved in the family, how will that be handled? -- Is the sparent expected to deal with spouse's ex at all? When? Why? -- The new spouse and ex-spouse often have deep jealousy of each other at the beginning of a remarriage, how will the bioparent deal with each? -- If the children's other bioparent has passed away (and is not an "ex") how much of the late spouse's stuff and pictures will remain in the house? -- How much is the child support (exact dollar amount)? -- How often is it paid/what is the payment schedule? -- How much is the daycare expense (exact dollar amount)? -- Is it separate or included in the child support? -- What are other expenses outside of daycare and child support (alimony, dentist, doctor, therapist, attorney, clothes, schooling, etc.)? -- Are there expected future court costs or attorney fees? -- What debt is each partner is bringing into the marriage? -- What major purchases are we planning on making in the future? -- Will the vacations be with children or without? -- What will house rules be? -- How will they be enforced? -- Who disciplines the children and how? -- Will the biological parent (bioparent) support the sparent when he or she needs to discipline the children? -- What will happen if a skid is disrespectful toward the sparent? -- Is the sparent allowed to discipline skids when bioparent is not present? What are the guidelines? -- Skids usually test the limits in a new marriage to see what they can get away with, is the bioparent willing to insist that the skids respect and listen to the sparent? -- When sparent and skid have a have a conflict what will bioparent do: take sides (with whom?) or let them work it out themselves? -- Is bioparent willing to give time for sparent and skids to build a relationship? Will the bioparent allow them to argue and work things out? -- Is the bioparent willing to listen to input on parenting from his or her spouse? -- Is the sparent willing to listen to input on parenting from his or her spouse? -- Is each partner willing to treat their skids as well as their own children? -- Is the bioparent willing to be affectionate and loving toward his or her spouse when the visiting children are present? (Will the bioparent risk making his or her children jealous of the attention paid to the sparent?) -- Sparents and skids often feel jealous of the attention that the bioparent pays to the other, what will the bioparent do to help both feel loved and neither feel excluded? -- How many children do you want to have with your partner? -- When would you like to have these children? -- Is the bioparent willing to stand up for spouse to skids, the ex, and in-laws? -- Make a list of 15 expectations that you have for the marriage and family. -- Who comes first: spouse or children? -- How will we resolve conflicts with each other? -- How involved are the in-laws going to be in the family? -- What will happen if the in-laws become too involved in the family? -- How much time will be spent with each set of in-laws? -- How much time will each partner get to spend with friends away from the family? -- How much personal space and personal time does each partner want? -- What belongings are personal and not to be shared to children without asking? -- What will be done to ensure that we get enough alone time together (date nights, etc.)? -- What can each spouse do for the other to make him or her feel special? -- What are the hobbies of each partner? How much time will be needed to keep these up? Source: Things to discuss before marrying into a blended family http://www.geocities.com/histigerlily/engage.html